How to Make Anyone Instantly Like You (Without Saying a Word) | Ed Mylett

The Criticality of Listening [00:03:12]

• Listening is a vital, often overlooked, aspect of communication.
• People respond to how they feel, and feeling heard is paramount.
• The speaker admits struggling with being present and listening.

  "And one of the things that we've not covered that is such a critical part of communication, and maybe more important even what you say, is your ability to listen to people."

The Entrepreneur Who Talked Too Much [00:06:54]

• An entrepreneur spent three hours on a jet, talking about himself without asking any questions.
• This behavior diminished the speaker's positive perception of him.
• People want to feel heard, not just hear about others.

  "And for three straight hours, he did not ask me one question about myself. He did not listen to one thing I had to say, didn't ask me for any advice, and he talked about himself for three hours."

The Two Ears, One Mouth Ratio [00:10:02]

• The adage of using two ears and one mouth in that ratio is emphasized, with the mouth used even less.
• The entrepreneur didn't learn anything and made others care for him less.
• Nervousness can lead to excessive talking.

  "And so remember this. I know there's the old adage that you have two eyes and two ears and one mouth for a reason, and you ought to use them in that ratio."

The Ease of Being a Listener [00:11:15]

• Being a great listener relieves the pressure of finding the perfect response.
• People's favorite topic is themselves.
• The speaker prefers talking about others to learn more about them.

  "And people's favorite topic, number one, remember this, people's favorite topic is themselves."

The Benefits of Listening [00:14:05]

• People will like you more.
• You will learn more.
• It takes the pressure off you.

  "One, people will like you more. Two, you're going to learn more. Three, it takes the pressure off you."

Interrupting and Finishing Sentences [00:15:27]

• The speaker admits to interrupting and finishing guests' sentences too often.
• This is often an ego-driven behavior, thinking one can say it better.
• A great conversation involves one person speaking and the other listening.

  "I watch replays back of my show and I interrupt too much. I jump in too much. I finish people's sentences for them too often."

Listening to Women vs. Men [00:18:10]

• The idea that women only want to be listened to, not have problems solved, is a myth.
• This desire to be heard is universal, not gender-specific.
• Men also want to be heard, feel important, and share their ideas.

  "And so just please remember that. This is not gender specific. Men and women aren't different on this."

Asking for Clarification [00:19:50]

• Asking for understanding, e.g., "So what I think you're saying is..." shows deep listening.
• This clarifies meaning and confirms you were paying attention.

  "Because this shows how deeply you were listening when you ask for clarification."

The Power of Eye Contact [00:21:11]

• Making eye contact signals importance and that you are listening.
• Distractions like looking around or at a phone break the connection.
• Nodding, smiling, and giving normal responses indicate engagement.

  "The way you tell me I'm important is by looking at me."

Body Language and Facial Expressions [00:23:03]

• Leaning in, appearing welcoming, and warm body language are key.
• Facial expressions should match the emotion of the conversation.
• A grimace from deep thought or constant smiling can be misinterpreted.

  "See, I have this tendency when I'm really listening, I get really drawn in."

The Highest Form of Listening: Not Interrupting [00:25:02]

• Letting the speaker finish their sentence is the highest form of listening.
• Interrupting signals that your thought is more important.
• Verbal nudges like "Uh-huh" or "Right" can rush the speaker.

  "Do not interrupt them. Do not interrupt them."

Don't Finish Sentences or Supply Words [00:27:42]

• Finishing someone's sentence or giving them a better word steals control.
• It can make the speaker feel unheard and disconnected.
• Acknowledgement statements like "I agree" or "That's wonderful" are important.

  "Don't finish their sentences. Don't give them better words. Don't talk over them. Don't interrupt them."

Asking Probing Questions and Touch [00:30:01]

• Asking specific follow-up questions shows deeper interest.
• Appropriate physical touch can anchor emotion and show you're listening.
• This must be done with sensitivity to context and gender.

  "Where appropriate, you touch somebody. So when they're talking, if they're leaning in, it's an emotional one, you grab their hand or you touch their knee."

Self-Assessment Checklist for Listening [00:32:46]

• Do you intend to do more or less talking?
• Do you ask questions when you don't understand?
• Do you try to figure out what they'll say before they finish?
• Do you find yourself not paying attention or thinking about other things?
• Can you intuitively tell the difference between what someone says and feels?
• Do you finish their sentences or supply better words?
• Do you only hear facts and details, not the emotion?
• Do you struggle to see things from their perspective?

  "In conversations you have, do you intend to do more or less talking than the other person?"

The Art of Matching and Mirroring [00:44:09]

• Match the speaker's tonality, pace, volume, and body language.
• Using their go-to words creates a deeper connection.
• This is not manipulation but a way to build rapport and influence.

  "When I talk back with somebody, I listen for their tonality. I listen to the volume of their voice, the pace of their voice, how they speak."

The CIA Agent's Recruitment Story [00:55:09]

• Jim Lawler, a CIA agent, struggled to recruit a foreign asset.
• He failed by trying to persuade and offer solutions directly.
• By matching the woman's despair and sharing his own feelings of failure, he created a connection.
• This vulnerability led her to agree to work for the CIA, becoming a top source.

  "He's like, we want the same thing you do. Like we want, we want to free the people of your country. We want to empower women. Work for me for the CIA."

Nonverbal Communication: Text and Email [01:07:41]

• Digital communication lacks the nuances of face-to-face interaction.
• Politeness and thoughtfulness matter more in emails and texts.
• Treating emails like texts can lead to misinterpretation and dismissal.

  "Politeness matters a lot more than when I'm face to face."

Establishing Communication Ground Rules [01:15:18]

• Setting expectations for difficult conversations can ease tension.
• Acknowledging potential mistakes and forgiving each other creates space for authenticity.
• This allows for more honest and meaningful exchanges.

  "Like, let's just say it's OK to say things and forgive each other for not getting it right."

Looping for Understanding [01:18:25]

• Ask a question, repeat back what you heard in your own words, and ask if you got it right.
• This shows you want to understand and acknowledges potential misinterpretations.
• The third step, asking for confirmation, is particularly powerful.

  "Repeat back in your own words what you heard. And then step number three, ask if you got it right."

The Key to Influence: Knowing What People Want [01:25:29]

• Effective communicators understand what the other person needs, not just what they want to say.
• Spending time with people to understand their needs is crucial.
• This approach, exemplified by Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King Jr., leads to true impact.

  "It's like, no, my idols, mother Teresa, like I used to watch her movement. Right."

Three Keys to Building a Business and Wealth [01:34:48]

• Identify and focus on your greatest strengths.
• Genuinely care about people: love, believe in, and show them how to do better.
• Become obsessed with your goals; greatness requires relentless focus and effort.

  "The first thing is that you have to identify what you're great at doing and stop trying to play life at the things that you're mediocre at doing."

Misconceptions About Influence [01:44:39]

• Believing that understanding facts alone leads to decisions is a misconception.
• Emotions and liking the communicator precede rational processing.
• Charisma, often misunderstood, stems from deep listening and confidence.

  "I think salespeople in general believe this. And they say, if they understand the facts, they'll make the right decision."

The Power of Rapport and Certainty [01:48:10]

• People must like you before they are open to your arguments.
• Certainty, when coupled with rapport, can influence less certain individuals.
• However, excessive certainty across a political divide can be harmful.

  "If you want to persuade me of something, I have to like you before I'm even going to pay attention to your rational argument."

Charisma: Connection and Confidence [01:51:40]

• Charisma is often associated with performing, but it's also about deep listening and connection.
• Displaying confidence and making the other person feel valued are key.
• Even figures like Presidents Obama and Bush demonstrate charisma through different listening and connection styles.

  "And we can do both of those by focusing our attention on the other person instead of on ourselves."

The Importance of Congruence in Relationships [01:59:09]

• Being a good husband and father is paramount to overall life success.
• Self-awareness and the willingness to improve are crucial for healthy relationships.
• Never keeping score and giving love without expecting it back are vital.

  "Imagine never keeping score in a relationship."

Treating Relationships Like the Beginning [02:03:46]

• Treating a long-term relationship with the same attention and care as the beginning can prevent its end.
• Avoid distractions like phones during conversations.
• Committing to a period of intense focus can transform a relationship.

  "Imagine if you treated the end of relationship, like the beginning, would there actually be an end?"

The Mirror Technique for Opening Communication [02:07:51]

• Repeating the last one to three words of what someone says can open them up.
• This simple technique shows you are listening and encourages further sharing.
• It's particularly effective with teenagers and in overcoming communication barriers.

  "The secret easiest one simplest is the mirror. Repeating the last one to three words of what somebody has just said."

The Universal Magic Label: "Seems Like You Have a Reason" [02:10:35]

• Asking "Seems like you have a great reason for saying that" can de-escalate conflict and gather information.
• This phrase encourages the other person to explain their perspective.
• It buys time, fosters connection, and provides deeper insights.

  "You said you must have a great reason for feeling that way and saying that. What is it?"

Shifting Your Lens in Relationships [02:14:30]

• Viewing interactions through your own lens can be limiting.
• Switching your perspective to understand how others see you can improve connection.
• This shift can lead to better understanding and more effective responses.

  "And what it actually did in that moment for me. So so angry is it changed the lens and I actually saw me from him."

The Correlation Between Relationships and Success [02:16:33]

• High-quality relationships contribute significantly to overall life success.
• Being a good husband and father is a key indicator of a high-quality life.
• Congruence in all areas of life unlocks doubled happiness and success.

  "I think one of the, I think you show me the quality of your relationships. I think Tony was the first to say that I'll show you the quality of your life."