How to Heal Your Trust Issues

The Stakes of Football Sunday [00:00:00]

• The speaker is preparing for a football game between the Eagles and the Rams, highlighting the tension as her family, divided in team loyalty, will be present.
• The central conflict revolves around the baby she is expecting and whether the child will be an Eagles or Rams fan, with both sides of the family invested in the outcome.
• She jokes about her husband Matt's potential allegiance to the Rams and her own Eagles gear, setting a lighthearted but competitive tone.

  "do you see this dramatic outfit that i have on i just want to be so clear there's about to be so much drama in the cooper kaplan household today"

The Relationship That Changed Everything [00:01:40]

• The speaker pivots to a more serious topic: a past relationship that fundamentally altered her approach to all subsequent relationships.
• She describes this as a relationship that caused trust issues, whether due to cheating, lying, or years of inconsistencies.
• The core issue is how these experiences leave a version of oneself that struggles with trust, impacting future connections.

  "i want to talk about the relationship that changed the trajectory of every relationship that came after that for you"

Surviving Betrayal and Its Aftermath [00:02:30]

• The speaker explains that even after ending a relationship marked by betrayal, the learned survival mechanisms persist.
• She illustrates this with examples of hypervigilance in new relationships, such as scrutinizing a partner's phone activity or questioning their niceness.
• This ingrained suspicion stems from past experiences where questioning a partner's behavior led to being labeled as "crazy."

  "you start dating someone new and they're doing everything right but you're sitting across from them while they're on their phone and like your eyes start switching and you're like who are they texting"

Personal History of Trust Issues [00:03:15]

• The speaker admits to engaging in extreme behaviors like going through phones and interrogating partners in past relationships.
• She describes the mental gymnastics involved, such as calculating response times or using mirrors to check a partner's phone activity.
• She emphasizes that these behaviors are learned, not innate, and stem from specific formative experiences.

  "i admit i have done it all i have gone through phones i have interrogated i've gotten the instagram password"

The First Formative Relationship [00:04:30]

• The speaker details her first serious relationship, where she believed she was in love but experienced a significant power imbalance.
• Her older, busier, and less available partner created constant anxiety, leading her to obsess over his text responses and social media activity.
• She describes posting on social media in hopes of eliciting a response from him, highlighting her desperate need for validation.

  "if he didn't text me back i would go on facebook throwback i would see he's active on facebook and i would immediately get a pit in my stomach"

Red Flags and Gaslighting [00:05:45]

• The speaker recounts how her ex-boyfriend's stories often didn't add up, and her attempts to address these inconsistencies were met with accusations of paranoia and suffocating behavior.
• He would manipulate her into feeling insecure and guilty, leading her to apologize and question her own perception.
• This dynamic reinforced her feeling of being an outsider and made her doubt her own judgment.

  "whenever i did that he would make me feel crazy and he would say things to me like i was suffocating him or i'm paranoid or i don't trust him"

The Ex-Girlfriend Incident [00:07:45]

• A specific incident involved her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend being present and overly familiar at parties, which the speaker found unsettling.
• Despite her bringing it up, her boyfriend dismissed her concerns, accusing her of threatening the friend group and being insecure.
• This made her question herself further, fearing she would lose him if she continued to voice her concerns.

  "every time i brought this up to him he made me feel insane not only was i jealous and i so paranoid but now i was apparently threatening the entire friend group"

The Party Revelation [00:11:00]

• The speaker recounts a pivotal night where her boyfriend, who claimed he was staying in, was actually at a party with his ex-girlfriend sitting on his lap and flirting.
• This blatant lie, witnessed firsthand, confirmed her suspicions and shattered her sense of security.
• Instead of apologizing, he screamed at her, accusing her of stalking and causing a scene, further solidifying the gaslighting.

  "i walked into this party and i will never forget it it's a house party i walk in and immediately i look like into the living room and he's sitting on like a lounge chair and his ex is sitting on his lap and they're like in each other's faces fully flirting"

The Aftermath and Self-Doubt [00:14:00]

• The speaker describes the mortification and embarrassment of the situation, especially when others had to intervene in the argument.
• Despite the clear evidence, her ex's insistence that she was the problem made her question her own reality.
• She realized that his friends were aware of the situation but remained loyal to him, making her feel isolated and unable to trust her environment.

  "he was so committed to convincing me that i was the problem and and i was like a weird stalker and it was weird that i showed up"

The Cycle of Betrayal and Relief [00:17:00]

• The speaker explains how the relationship, despite its betrayals, also had moments of intense connection and reconciliation that felt like love.
• This cycle of insecurity followed by relief could become addictive, making the temporary return to normalcy feel incredibly rewarding.
• She admits to becoming accustomed to this dynamic, even seeking out partners who would perpetuate these trust issues.

  "getting it back can feel so incredible you can become addicted to the relief you experience when the person you're seeing temporarily stops treating you so horribly"

Moving On, But Bringing the Baggage [00:21:00]

• The speaker moved out of state for college, hoping to escape the relationship, but found herself replicating the same unhealthy patterns.
• She sought out partners who would reactivate her trust issues because that was the dynamic she understood.
• She describes dating a hockey player who was genuinely kind and trustworthy, but she couldn't accept it, actively trying to create conflict.

  "i found men in boston who would just reactivate all of my trust issues and because it was exactly what i understood and i knew it was my first love so i thought this is what it is right"

The "Good Guy" Sabotage [00:24:00]

• The speaker recounts how she pushed away a kind and honest college boyfriend, convinced he must be hiding something.
• Her friends noticed her self-sabotaging behavior, but she struggled to break the pattern.
• She eventually ended the relationship, realizing she was torturing him and regretting not being able to appreciate the peace he offered.

  "instead of enjoying it i started convincing myself this can't be real this has to be fake there has to be something like no one's this nice no guy is this honest"

Meeting Matt and the Shift Towards Health [00:30:00]

• The speaker met Matt, who was direct and honest, a stark contrast to her past experiences.
• By this point, she had undergone therapy and self-work, but still struggled with ingrained distrust.
• Matt's consistent communication and lack of games provided a breath of fresh air, yet she still found herself testing him.

  "matt from the day i met him was so incredibly direct and that was one of the things that i loved so much about him it was like this breath of fresh air"

Testing Matt and Self-Sabotage [00:32:00]

• The speaker admits to intentionally creating chaos in her relationship with Matt, pushing him away because things were going too well.
• She was scared of the stability and subconsciously wanted to prove that he would eventually betray her, like her ex.
• Matt's mature response, calling out her behavior without retaliating, was a turning point, making her feel foolish and self-aware.

  "i went out i was posting all over social media i was hardly answering matt and when i look back i realize i was just trying to create the chaos myself"

Open Communication and Gradual Healing [00:36:00]

• The speaker confessed her trust issues to Matt, explaining they stemmed from past trauma and infidelity.
• Matt's understanding and willingness to provide reassurance, without taking on the burden of her past, allowed them to work through it.
• She acknowledges that one conversation doesn't magically fix deep-seated issues, but open communication was key.

  "i remember admitting to matt like this is something i do this is coming from my past i have been cheated on before and i do not want this to keep in interfering with our relationship"

The Persistent Nature of Trust Issues [00:38:00]

• The speaker explains that even with a good partner, the brain's old patterns persist, leading to hypervigilance and suspicion.
• She uses examples of how past experiences with cheating or distance trigger similar anxieties in new relationships, even without evidence.
• This protective mechanism, while intended to prevent hurt, can ultimately sabotage healthy connections.

  "your ex used to cheat when he went out with his friends and now your new boyfriend says he's going out with the boys on friday night nothing has happened but your body understandably you're already there"

The Partner's Perspective [00:43:00]

• The speaker considers the perspective of the partner on the receiving end of trust issues, who constantly has to prove their innocence.
• She describes the exhaustion and frustration of constantly reassuring someone who is deeply insecure due to past trauma.
• This dynamic can lead to both partners feeling misunderstood and alone.

  "imagine constantly having to prove your innocence for crime someone else committed like your partner is sitting there they explain where they were they show you their phone"

Breaking the Pattern: Trust Requires Uncertainty [00:46:00]

• The speaker emphasizes that healing trust issues is not linear and requires accepting that complete certainty is impossible.
• She explains that the desire for constant reassurance and checking is a trap, as there will always be one more thing to investigate.
• True trust involves tolerating the fact that you cannot know everything.

  "at some point trust requires tolerating the fact that you cannot know everything"

Matt's Consistent Support [00:48:00]

• Matt's consistent behavior and willingness to communicate, rather than punish her fears, was instrumental in her healing.
• He created a safe space by being reassuring, respectful, and consistent, allowing her to gradually stop needing to snoop.
• She collected a new kind of evidence: the consistent matching of his words and actions.

  "he didn't make every fear i had his responsibility to fix but he also didn't punish me for having those fears from my fucked up past"

The Path to Healing and a Stronger Relationship [00:53:00]

• The speaker acknowledges that past traumas can make relationships harder, but with mutual effort and vulnerability, partnerships can work.
• She believes that meeting Matt at the right time and place, and their mutual willingness to heal, strengthened their relationship.
• She concludes that while healing is possible, it requires self-work and the desire for a better future, even when faced with regression.

  "my past wounds and the trust issues it actually made me and my marriage with my husband potentially even stronger because of the conversations we had to have"

A Healthy Relationship Isn't Boring [00:57:00]

• The speaker shares her realization that a healthy relationship, characterized by peace and consistency, is not boring but deeply fulfilling.
• She contrasts the anxiety-inducing intensity of past relationships with the smooth, steady nature of her current one with Matt.
• She encourages listeners with trust issues to believe in the possibility of healing and finding a partner who eases their pain.

  "meeting matt and being like oh my god a healthy relationship isn't boring this is like the best thing that's ever come into my life"

Final Thoughts and Encouragement [01:01:00]

• The speaker reiterates that trust issues can stem from various sources, including childhood experiences.
• She stresses the importance of self-compassion and recognizing that healing is a process with ups and downs.
• Ultimately, she believes that with self-work and the right partner, one can overcome trust issues and find lasting happiness.

  "i can't predict that they might someone might lie someone might cheat someone may betray you but in my opinion i think healing is knowing you have to just continue to do the inner work on yourself"

Game Day and Motherhood [01:04:00]

• The speaker returns to the football game context, humorously noting her outfit and pregnancy.
• She expresses anticipation for the upcoming birth of her child and the transition to motherhood.
• She ends with a cheer for the Eagles and a sign-off to her audience.

  "i'm getting close to that point where like i'm going to pop but i also like still somehow have a little bit to go so it's like a weird mental state that i'm in"