This happens to men at 40

Rich Gilbert

5,255 views • 21 days ago

Video Summary

Men around the age of 35 to 45 often experience a significant midcareer and midlife transformation that can catch them by surprise. This period is marked by a shift in perspective, where individuals begin to question their life's trajectory, the goals they've pursued, and the meaning behind their work. This introspection is driven by a realization that past efforts and motivations may no longer align with their evolving values and a clearer view of their own mortality.

Two common paths emerge during this transformative phase. One involves recognizing that a career, potentially chosen early on due to external influence, might be lucrative but lacks fulfillment, leading to a profound reevaluation of one's legacy. The other path, often seen in technical roles, involves individuals who have diligently worked and built skills, only to find themselves passed over for promotions, realizing that technical expertise alone isn't enough for advancement into higher management.

This transition necessitates a shift in focus from solely technical contributions to interpersonal skills like communication and relationship building, which are crucial for navigating organizational dynamics and career progression. Ultimately, this period prompts a redefinition of success and fulfillment, encouraging individuals to seek guidance from those with experience and to align their lives with deeper personal values.

Short Highlights

Men between 35 and 45 undergo a significant midcareer and midlife transformation.
This transformation involves questioning life's trajectory, work, and goals, often prompted by a clearer view of mortality.
One path involves realizing a chosen career lacks fulfillment despite financial success.
Another path involves technical contributors feeling overlooked for promotions, as technical skills are insufficient for advancement.
Career progression beyond a certain point requires a shift from technical skills to relationships and communication.

Key Details

The Midlife Transformation for Men [00:00]

Men typically experience a significant transformation between the ages of 35 and 45.
This period, often overlooked if one lacks guidance or experience with it, can lead to a reevaluation of career and life.
Women may experience this as well, but it's consistently observed in men hitting midcareer and middle age.
The speaker coaches many individuals in this 35 to 45-50 age range and aims to provide clarity on what's happening mentally and perceptually regarding work, life, and goals.
This transformation can lead to a complete redirect of one's life, emphasizing its significant impact.

This is a complete redirect of your life. So, and it and it and it and it's it is that big.

Historical Context of Male Maturity [02:23]

The biological maturation rates of boys and girls differ, with girls approaching womanhood earlier than boys.
However, men continue to mature significantly up until around 40 years old.
This isn't a modern phenomenon; historically, figures like Plato did not admit men into his school until they were 40 years old, acknowledging a certain level of maturity required.
The societal perception of this phase is often negative, caricatured as a "midlife crisis" involving buying sports cars, but the speaker argues this overlooks a deeper, more significant internal shift.

Plato had a school for philosophy and he would not let anybody in, men until they were 40 years old.

The Grindstone Mentality and Early Career [04:13]

In their 20s, men often work intensely, focused on building skills and providing, driven by an innate purpose of building and making things happen.
This "nose to the grindstone" approach is about heads-down work without necessarily questioning the ultimate end goal.
This hard work is essential for developing skills and achieving initial success.

As men, we we our whole purpose is about building things is about is about really like digging in and and and providing and making things happen.

The Midlife Awakening and Career Reassessment [05:23]

Around age 40, after achieving many set goals and experiencing success, men often lift their heads from the relentless work.
This leads to a profound question: "What the heck am I doing here?" and "What is this about?"
By 40, individuals have typically figured out how to work adequately and make a good living, leading to this existential inquiry.
The realization dawns that most of the goals previously set have been met.

You've accomplished almost every goal that you've set your mind to.

Path One: The Unfulfilling Trajectory [06:24]

One common scenario is being on a career path (e.g., finance, accounting, legal) for about 20 years, often chosen due to parental or familial influence.
Despite making money, there's a lack of fulfillment, leading to the question, "I don't know if this is really what I like to do."
At this age, men can see the trajectory of their career all the way to retirement and death, prompting questions about their legacy.
If this path is followed, there's a clear vision of continuing in the same role, achieving further success, but questioning if this is truly desired.

I don't know if this is really what I like to do. Makes me money, okay, but like doesn't give me fulfillment.

Diversifying and Finding Fulfillment [08:24]

It's possible to diversify one's work or tasks to mitigate disliked aspects of a job and enhance enjoyable ones.
This isn't about a "side hustle" but about incorporating activities that bring fulfillment, such as charitable giving or hobbies like mountain climbing.
Seeking wisdom from experienced individuals or mentors is crucial during this time.
The speaker emphasizes the need for men to talk to wise men who have navigated similar transitions.

Men need to talk to men, wise men.

Path Two: The Technical Contributor's Stagnation [09:39]

Another common situation involves technically inclined individuals (e.g., in finance, development, data science, engineering) who have worked diligently for about 20 years.
They often entered these fields due to a lack of guidance and a need to make money, proving to be good at their work.
The belief that hard work and building technical skills will lead to good outcomes is prevalent.
Around age 40, these individuals notice peers getting promoted while they remain stagnant, leading to a feeling of being left behind and questioning their belief system.

WTF like why why am I left behind when peers that I see are moving up and and I'm not.

The Shift in the Game: Beyond Technical Excellence [11:31]

The skills and efforts that lead to success in one's 20s and 30s are not sufficient for advancement beyond midcareer.
The game changes; excelling as a technical individual contributor is different from what's required for higher management.
While technical skills are valuable and provide income, they don't necessarily lead to promotion into upper or executive management.
Higher management roles are less about technical implementation (like SAP or Workday) and more about relationships and communication.

The game you've been playing isn't the game to get you ahead.

The Nature of Executive Roles [13:10]

Executives, like everyone else, are people who navigate organizational politics.
Their focus shifts to organizing teams, communicating directives from superiors, and translating those directives to large teams.
This involves a different skill set than implementing specific software or technical solutions.

It's about relationships. It's about communications. They're all just people.

Navigating Midlife and Seeking Guidance [14:02]

The speaker reiterates that this midlife phase is common and impacts many, highlighting its prevalence in coaching practices.
Younger individuals are assured they will eventually face this moment of maturity and a different perception of the world and their own mortality.
The advice is to talk to older individuals who have experienced this transition and can offer wisdom.
The speaker concludes by emphasizing the amazingness of life and encouraging people to be present and embrace it.