Identity Expert: How to Rewire Your Identity in 3 Steps | Dr. Kim Foster

The Identity Problem [00:00:55]

• Many people know what they need to do to improve their lives but struggle to implement changes.
• This difficulty often stems from an "identity problem" rather than a lack of information or motivation.
• The brain has accumulated evidence supporting existing self-perceptions, making it hard to adopt new behaviors that conflict with this identity.

  "And at that moment, I thought, oh, this is not an information problem. This is an identity problem."

Evidence and Identity [00:01:33]

• Up until a certain point, our brains have a vast amount of evidence supporting our current identity.
• Even if we consciously decide to be different (e.g., confident), our minds question the basis for this new identity without supporting evidence.
• This creates a disconnect, as the brain seeks to resolve incongruence between our beliefs and actions.

The Physician's Observation [00:02:36]

• Dr. Kim Foster spent two decades as a family physician, observing that motivated, intelligent patients with high stakes often failed to make lasting changes.
• Despite receiving expert advice and understanding the importance of actions like exercise and healthy eating, patients would revert to old habits.
• This gap between knowing and doing, despite strong motivation and information, sparked curiosity about the underlying cause.

  "And then I'd see them months again later and nothing had changed. Or maybe they had changed something for a short time. They tried and then they kind of stopped."

The "Not an Exercise Person" Insight [00:04:00]

• A patient, despite wanting to exercise and receiving practical suggestions, stated, "I'm just not an exercise person. I never have been, it's just not me."
• This statement highlighted that her identity as someone who doesn't exercise was a fundamental barrier, overriding any information or strategies provided.
• Her identity was shaped by family roles and past experiences, reinforcing her self-perception.

  "But the thing is, I'm just not an exercise person. I never have been, it's just not me."

Identity as an Instruction Manual [00:06:15]

• Our identities act as an "instruction manual" for life, dictating our choices.
• Statements like "I'm not a health nut" or "I'm a night owl" are perceived as facts, influencing behavior.
• These identity statements are powerful because they shape our self-concept and limit what we believe is possible.

Empowering vs. Limiting Identities [00:07:04]

• Some individuals possess empowering identities, like a 70-year-old man who saw himself as "a skier, an active guy" who "always took care of himself."
• His identity dictated his choices throughout life, leading to a more robust and fit existence.
• Conversely, a limiting identity, such as "not a workout type person," creates friction when trying to adopt healthier habits.

The Friction of Identity Mismatch [00:08:30]

• When actions contradict our core identity, even if cognitively beneficial, it creates friction and an "identity mismatch."
• The brain dislikes this incongruence and seeks to resolve it, often by abandoning the uncomfortable behavior.
• The easier path is to revert to familiar, safe patterns that align with the existing identity.

  "And the easier thing for us to do is to stop doing the behavior that feels uncomfortable. And just to go back to what feels comfortable, what feels safe, familiar."

The Primitive Brain's Role [00:10:00]

• The primitive brain's primary function is survival, prioritizing safety and familiarity over growth or inspiration.
• New behaviors that challenge an established identity can feel unsafe, leading the brain to default to known patterns.
• Even in negative situations, the fear of the unknown associated with change can be more powerful than the discomfort of the familiar.

Changing Identity: Decision vs. Stabilization [00:12:00]

• The decision to change one's identity can be made quickly once awareness is achieved.
• However, stabilizing this new identity takes time and requires gathering proof.
• The brain, accustomed to evidence supporting the old identity, needs consistent proof of the new one to believe it.

  "So you can make that decision quickly and overnight once you become aware, and really, that's kind of that is a big key is becoming aware."

The Power of Bridge Identities [00:13:45]

• Leaping from an old identity to a drastically new one (e.g., "awkward" to "social butterfly") is often too extreme for the brain.
• "Bridge identities" serve as intermediate steps, stretching belief without being unbelievable.
• Examples include "I'm somebody who is embracing the challenge of starting one new conversation each day."

Gathering Proof and Stabilization [00:15:00]

• After adopting a bridge identity, one must actively seek proof by performing small, uncomfortable actions aligned with it.
• Paying attention to and internalizing these actions reinforces the new identity.
• This process of repeated action and self-acknowledgment stabilizes the new identity, making it more resilient to contrary evidence.

  "You need to start to gather proof. You need to start to log actual evidence that you can do things in a different way."

Recognizing the Identity Story [00:18:30]

• The "Recognize" phase involves identifying and questioning the ingrained identity story that has been operating.
• This requires detaching from the belief that the story is absolute truth and understanding its origins.
• Recognizing that it's just a story, not a fixed reality, is the crucial first step.

  "So recognize is the first and that for many of us is, is the hardest part because like I said, we have just believed a certain thing about ourselves and we've been logging proof for our whole lifetime."

Redesigning and Ritualizing [00:20:00]

• "Redesign" involves imagining and defining the new identity needed for desired achievements.
• "Ritualize" is the action phase, where proof is collected through consistent, small actions.
• This is not just a thought exercise; it requires actively living into the new identity.

  "And then once you have kind of detached yourself a little from the stone cold truth of this identity story that you've been telling yourself, then it's a redesign."

Leaving the Doctor Identity [00:22:00]

• After 20 years, Dr. Foster felt called to help people "further upstream," focusing on behavior and thought change before health issues escalated.
• She also felt a creative pull towards writing and speaking, leading her to explore these avenues on the side.
• The decision to leave her established identity as a doctor was incredibly challenging due to its deep integration with her life, finances, and validation.

  "I kept thinking, I want to get further upstream here. I wanted to help people to change their choices and their behavior and how they thought about themselves."

The Survivor Identity [00:25:00]

• Dr. Foster realized she had adopted a "survivor identity" from her teenage years, focused on achieving goals like medical school and residency through sheer endurance.
• This identity, while enabling her to overcome challenges, also made it difficult to transition away from demanding situations.
• She learned that endurance isn't always a virtue and that strength can come from making unconventional choices.

  "So I really had to understand that endurance isn't a virtue in all situations. Sometimes you need to know when to make a choice."

The Decision to Leave [00:29:00]

• A pivotal moment occurred during a walk in the woods, where she realized she didn't want to return to her medical practice at all.
• Despite having built a foundation for her new career and being financially capable of leaving, she hesitated due to her deeply ingrained "doctor" identity.
• She needed to consciously address the identity piece and imagine who she would be without that title.

  "And as I'm walking, I realized I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back at all."

Transitioning Through COVID-19 [00:33:00]

• Dr. Foster planned to leave medicine in January 2020 but stayed through the first wave of COVID-19, feeling unable to abandon the healthcare profession during a crisis.
• This period was terrifying but also beautiful, marked by community support and pride from her family.
• She finally submitted her resignation in October 2020, after the wave had passed, marking the end of her medical chapter.

  "And I thought, this is not the moment when I can walk away. I can't abandon the healthcare profession at the absolute worst moment."

Identity Grief and Freedom [00:35:00]

• On her last day, after seeing her final patient, Dr. Foster experienced intense emotional release, cathartic crying, recognizing it as "identity grief" for the end of her role as Dr. Foster.
• However, immediately after, she felt immense freedom, ready to embrace her new chapter.
• She had processed the transition for a year, and despite the emotional release, she was ready to move forward.

  "And on my last day that when I was finished seeing my very last patient, so last day, last patient five o'clock, I walked out of the clinic and I got into my car and I ugly cried for 15 minutes."

The Pitfalls of Shaming [00:37:30]

• Making changes out of self-loathing or anger is unsustainable and less effective than making changes motivated by self-love.
• Shaming oneself for past habits or perceived failures doesn't lead to long-term transformation.
• Sustainability comes from a place of self-care and a desire to improve because one values oneself.

  "But we know that self-loathing is never how you're going to actually make a longstanding change. It is so much more helpful to make a change because you love yourself."

Belief Before Ritual [00:39:30]

• While habit stacking is a useful tactic, it's insufficient if not grounded in a foundational belief about oneself.
• If a person doesn't fundamentally believe they are the type of person who performs certain habits, they will revert to old patterns under stress.
• Updating the "operating system" (identity and beliefs) is crucial for new "apps" (habits) to function effectively.

  "But if that's all you're doing, you really are just addressing things on that one surface level. You're not really..."

The Starting Point: Recognition [00:42:00]

• The first step to breaking a pattern is the "recognize" phase: questioning the underlying story and identity.
• Instead of blaming external factors, recognize the narrative that has been shaping your beliefs and actions.
• Approach this with detached curiosity and grace, understanding that these stories were formed from accumulated evidence.

  "Well, the very first thing of course, is that recognize step. So that's when you really need to, rather than blaming the habit or blaming yourself or blaming external circumstances or genetics or whatever it is that, you know, you're blaming on the outside is to really recognize the story that you have been running underneath."

Golf as a Personal Development Lab [00:44:30]

• Golf serves as a powerful "personal development lab" for Dr. Foster, revealing how identity impacts performance.
• Distraction, lack of self-trust, or ego show up immediately in the flight of the ball.
• Committing to an action while detaching from the outcome is a key lesson learned from golf that applies to life.

  "Committing to my shot, but then being totally detached from the outcome is the key that I have learned."

Identity Over Goals [00:46:30]

• Focusing excessively on the goal itself is a common mistake in self-help.
• Who you "are" in the process (your identity) is more important than achieving the specific goal.
• Handling adversity and maintaining a certain way of being during challenges is paramount.

  "But who are you being in that whole process is so much more important than whether you actually achieve that goal."

Managing Self-Doubt [00:48:30]

• Self-doubt is not necessarily a sign of incapability but an indicator that needs management.
• The goal is not to eliminate self-doubt but to learn how to work through it.
• A senior resident's nod during a challenging medical procedure, despite breaking ribs, illustrates that sometimes discomfort is necessary for the right action.

  "So for me, the goal isn't to never have self-doubt. It's to manage, to figure out how to work through it."

Becoming Magnetic [00:52:00]

• To be magnetic, stop telling yourself you're not confident or magnetic, as this limits opportunities.
• Adopt an empowering identity, potentially using a "bridge identity" if a full leap feels too large.
• Reduce self-monitoring (worrying about how you come across) and focus outward.

  "First, it limits what you even put yourself out for. You just decide. You don't even see opportunities because you've already pre-decided that that's not for you."

Habits for Magnetism [00:53:30]

• Pause and slow down before speaking to be more present and composed, rather than blurting out answers.
• Maintain eye contact, even for a few extra beats, to create connection, especially in a world increasingly looking down at devices.
• These small habits, practiced consistently, can make one appear more composed and confident.

  "And that's a present being present kind of thing."

Magnetic vs. Performative [00:55:00]

• In the beginning, new behaviors might feel performative because they are not yet natural.
• Distinguish between discomfort with a new behavior and inauthenticity; it's okay for new actions to feel uncomfortable initially.
• With practice and repetition, these actions become natural and part of one's authentic way of operating.

  "But I think we can confuse something feeling comfortable with something being inauthentic."

Advice to Her Past Self [00:56:30]

• Dr. Foster would tell her past self on her last day as a doctor, "It's absolutely going to be okay. You are absolutely doing the right thing."
• While she knew it was the right decision, she lacked certainty about what she would create.
• The validation and proof of her new path have since confirmed the wisdom of her choice.

  "Except at the time, I actually knew that. But you didn't know what you'd create."

Three Truths for the World [01:00:30]

• Truth 1: You are not fixed; your past does not dictate your future possibilities.
• Truth 2: Don't confuse who you had to become with who you have to remain; you can evolve beyond identities that once served you.
• Truth 3: Your life is happening right now; don't get so caught up in building the future that you forget to inhabit the present.

  "Your past is not your prophecy."

Definition of Greatness [01:02:30]

• Greatness is less about excellence and achievement and more about discernment.
• It involves becoming deeply discerning about what truly deserves your life and effort.
• Once clear, give yourself fully to that chosen path.

  "And then going all in on that, like giving yourself fully to that, becoming discerning and giving yourself fully to that."