How a Secure Person Responds When an Avoidant Pulls Away 🚨

Secure Response to Avoidant Pull-Away [00:00]

• Secure individuals do not chase, beg, or plead when an avoidant partner withdraws.
• They maintain boundaries and communicate directly and clearly about the distance.
• Example communication: "Hey, I've been noticing that there's some distance between us. If there's something wrong, I'm here to talk about it."

  "No. The secure person holds a boundary."

Observing Avoidant Behavior [00:30]

• When dealing with a dismissive avoidant, expect excuses like being busy with work or family matters.
• If they continue to pull away, the secure person holds their ground.

  "Oh, work is just busy. Oh, I've just been so busy dealing with this family thing or something of the sort."

Stating Relationship Needs [00:48]

• A more secure person, if they had a valid reason for distance, would take accountability and show behavioral change.
• If the avoidant continues to pull away, the secure person holds the line.
• They state their need for emotional availability and reciprocity.

  "I'm looking for a relationship with emotional availability and reciprocity."

The Outcome of Holding Boundaries [01:03]

• If the other person is not at the same place, the secure person steps away.
• This may result in the relationship ending, requiring the secure person to walk away.
• The video questions the effectiveness of staying silent and allowing consistent withdrawal or "breadcrumbs."

  "If that's not where you're at, then I'm going to step away because this doesn't align with me."

Self-Respect vs. Self-Abandonment [01:30]

• Not holding a boundary leads to self-abandonment and increased anxiety.
• The secure person does not self-abandon; they hold their boundary.
• Boundaries are about controlling what you allow yourself to be subjected to, not controlling others.

  "No. Not holding a boundary is a way to self-abandon yourself and become more anxious as you try to earn their love and chase them."

Boundaries as a Bridge [01:45]

• A boundary is a bridge, not a wall, indicating where you are and offering a path for connection.
• It communicates, "If you want to be with me, here's the bridge to get there."

  "And that's what the boundary really is about. It's a bridge, not a wall."

The Right Person Stays [02:04]

• The beautiful aspect of holding boundaries is that the right person chooses to stay.
• If someone leaves because of a boundary, it signifies misalignment, not a wrong boundary.

  "And the beautiful thing about holding boundaries is that the right person chooses to stay."

Conclusion: Self-Respect and Alignment [02:17]

• Boundaries are designed to filter out those not aligned with you.
• While relationship endings are sad, it's better to leave with self-respect than through self-abandonment.

  "The wrong person leaves, the right person stays. And yet, it's always sad when a relationship ends, but it's a lot better to go out with self-respect rather than self-abandonment and trying to chase somebody who doesn't want to be caught."